blathering blog of a bavarian baker

Sir Purefat Butterfat, The Better.

Your body… is a primitive design.

I don’t know what this is… but Google swears it’s Primitive Design.

Since before we first stood upright (or according to some of you… were like, I dunno… divinely hatched), our body has served really only one purpose: To keep us alive. You’ve these organs and systems and squishy innards, all there to help you locate, dispatch and consume food products. We’ve done this successfully for quite some time now, but lately we’ve started making things a little too complicated for quite literally our own good.

Here’s the thing about being a ‘primitive‘ design.
Primitive means (accordingly to Webster online)

           1. being the first or earliest of the kind or in existence, especially in an early age of the world.

Which is to say… you haven’t changed much since being a Neanderthal (or, as the case may be, hatchling).
So what does all of this have to do with cooking?
Oh. Well. Allow me to bring my “Correct Calorie Crusade” to your face space.

“I hereby claim this land in the name of Sir Purefat Butterfat, The Better”.

As a baker – on a level of profession, not just recreation – there is one thing that brings out my rage face and one thing alone.
Food ignorance.
Ha! Who could be ignorant about food?
It’s delicious and I eat it and nom nom nom!
The truth is… a lot of people are food ignorant.

Oh Dresden. Why do you do this to us? You’re a caloric harlot, seducing me away from my Weight Watchers/Insanity/Jenny Craig/Fad-Pointless-Diet-of-the-Month! These delicious pastries, and I can’t eat them or I’ll get fat! You’re cruel.
Yes… I’m so good at my job that people treat me like I’m trying to break up their marriage.
And yes, I’m not above that kind of shameless self promotion.

But here’s the thing:

Pastries won’t make you fat.

Cake. Pie. Crumpets. Scones. Bread. Cuppies. Cookies. Tortes and tarts and everything you can think of looking for in the pornographic world of sweet treats.

Calm yourself. Everything becomes PG when made out of fondant.

None of them will make you fat as long as you don’t mess with their purity… and you sustain some self-control.

There’s two things that cause the perpetuation of the ‘sweets will make me fat‘ mindset.
Portion control.. and synthetic garbage designed to make you think that portion control doesn’t matter.
You know that whole primitive thing I was blathering on about?
Well being a basic design means your body likes really basic things.
Pure fats. Pure proteins. Pure sugars.

The flip side of that, is that this first grade draft of the human body really dislikes complex things, and has no idea what the hell to do with them.
Enter margarine, synthetic sugar substitutes and the like.

“Why must you make everything so difficult?”

Your simpleton body has no idea what to do with these complicated, pretend foods… so it stores them, or ignores them. Generally speaking, though – it stores them until it figures out how to process them (which it won’t, because it doesn’t know how).

Vicious cycle is vicious.

Words like “Butter” and “Sugar in the raw” are sexy… not only because you think they look good, but because underneath all that hype… the carpet matches the drapes.

Unless you’re one of our vegan friends (in which case, namaste. I admire your dedication to stealing the food of all the animals your claim to so vehemently adore…**), there’s no average reason to pretend that putting some hydrogenated space oil in your cupcake is going to make it any better for you. No no. Quite the opposite.

Portion control is simple. You know how everything you’ve ever purchased prepackaged from a legitimate food retailer has that Nutrition Information panel on the back? And you know how the very first things it says is “Serving Size“?

Exhibit A.

Well that, my babies, is portion control in action.
But… But… what about things I make at home that DON’T have that jazzy panel on it?
Common sense is your ally on that one.

Survey says that (while you may really really want to) eating an entire pan of chocolate peanut butter brownies is bad for you – and that’s accurate. So is eating half of it… or a slice larger than the width of your hand.

Rule of thumb: If you think it’s decadent… it probably is.

So enjoy the sliver of it that you have. Enjoy it like it’s the only tiny piece of brownie you can have today- which in the case of chocolate peanut butter brownies, it will be.
But enjoy it knowing that everything inside that brownie was designed with your design in mind.
Your body is going to eat the ever-loving hell out of that brownie, the moment it enters your digestive system. And everything gone means effectively nothing left, as the sustainable nutrients have been removed and metabolized by you (you sexy beast), and eventually you’ll physically discard the useless dry mass left behind.

Now that that really obscure (but totally there) parting mental image is in your head…
I present this entry’s recipe.

Totally Not Bad For You Because We Just Learned About Real Ingredients and Portion Control Chocolate Peanut Butter Brownies

Things you might consider having on hand:

  • An oven, preheated to 350 degrees, capital F
  • Two mixing bowls, one large and one medium
  • Measuring cups and spoons
  • An electric mixer or some kickass “I work out” biceps and a whisk
  • A wooden spoon
  • A knife you trust to assist you in making things classy
  • A strainer or a fine sieve
  • Something on hand to clean up your mess – you slob
  • And as always, someone that isn’t you on hand to clean up the mess left by your culinary prowess

What it takes:

  • 2 (3 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
  • 1/2 cup natural peanut butter
  • 2 1/4 cup raw sugar
  • 4 eggs
  • 2 tablespoons soy milk
  • 1 cup melted butter
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla bean paste
  • 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup chocolate chips

What you do next:

In the medium bowl, beat your cream cheese until subservient and smooth.

  • “You see what you make me do? DO YOU SEE? Shhh, pretty face. Don’t you cry.”

    Then, in the spirit of Waco, add the peanut butter, 1/4 cup of the sugar, 1 of the eggs, and the soy milk until smooth, completely mixed, and uniquely brainwashed.

    Take your large bowl and mix together melted butter, the remaining 2 cups sugar, and the vanilla bean paste with a wooden spoon.

    Mix the remaining 3 eggs into the large bowl, one at a time, single file – like the good little eggs that they are.

    Sift the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda and salt into the large bowl. Add the chocolate chips and stir until one big happy fam.

    Being devoured by tiny cannibals is a super dooper swell time.

    Now here’s where it gets oh-so-technical (yes, that was sarcasm. no, I’m not sorry about it).

    Scoop 1 cup of the chocolatey batter from the large bowl and set it aside.

    Then take what remains and spread evenly into your greasy pan.

    Next, evenly shmear the peanut butter mixture from the medium bowl on top of the evenly spread chocolate mixture.

    Now take the cup o’ chocolate stuffs on standby and plop little teaspoon sized blobs on top of the peanut butter mixture. Drag a knife through these blobs, pulling them around into a marbled design.

    Marble: Making classy shit classier since 650 BC.

    Depending on your oven… bake about 35 minutes… or until it does not bleed its chocolate peanut buttery blood when brutally stabbed with a tooth pick.

    Eat it. Love it. Be at peace with it.


    ** : It’s all fun and games. I don’t really hate vegans, I love them dearly… unless they’re terrible people. In which case I hate them. I also don’t think them to be baby eating hippies – though I do believe hippies that eat babies exist. Remember, I’m not to be taken seriously. Except for the hatchling jokes. I meant those.


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2 thoughts on “Sir Purefat Butterfat, The Better.

  1. You shameless and witty wonder, you! Love ya!

  2. elissia on said:

    omg dresden u are just brilliant absolutely fabulous!!!!

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