blathering blog of a bavarian baker

The ‘H’ in ‘Whisk’

There’s a couple of things I never thought I’d consider doing in my life.

These things include, but are not limited to:

  1. Dancing for a room of paying audience members (both with and/or without my clothing).
  2. Running, voluntarily. Which is to say without the incentive of pursuit by large rabid beasts and/or dinosaurs.
  3. Math problems that surpass the 2’s times tables in level of difficulty.
  4. Declining free chocolate based on worry about maintaining my girlish physique.
  5. Living somewhere so senselessly cold that I’d consider buying a Snuggie.

Yet… here I am. It’s hardly October (hardly as in… it’s not), yet it’s only a handful of measly degrees above freezing, and I’ve spent the last hour seriously debating the perks of purchasing a Snuggie.

Perks include: Cleverly disguising a human faced stomach tumor.

But being that last night, I ate so much free chocolate that I’m pretty sure I actually had a diabetic seizure, I feel as though I cannot cross two things off of my list of Don’ts in less than 24 hours. So I’ll resort to Plan B for preventing frozen winter boredom: Baking cookies designed to be eaten with the warming fuzzy assistance of Whiskey.

Going to be tasting so good, cravats are about to look cool.

Since it’s still technically fall, and therefore my harsh opinions on the flavors of fall being attributed to under appreciated spices remain in the front of my brain – I’ve decided to bring out another recipe that I consider an ode to the clove. Be prepared to pair these cookies with some special Irish Coffee and a swanky fireplace.

What Google images considers to be “looking cool by the fireplace”.

Soul Saving Spice Cookies

Things you might consider having on hand:

  • An oven, preheated to 375 degrees Fahrenheit
  • 2 bowls, one of medium build and one large
  • A fine strainer or sieve
  • Measuring cups and spoons
  • A wooden spoon
  • A metal whisk, ‘h’ stressed
  • A cookie sheet, greased up and ready for action
  • Spatula
  • 1 fl oz of whiskey for personal consumption (to enhance maximum personal baking potential)
  • Paper towels or counter wipes to help clean as you go
  • As always, someone on hand that is not you to wash the dishes left behind by your whiskey maxed baking potential
  • 1 additional fluid ounce of whiskey for reasons unknown
  • A fabulously functioning fridge for firming dough (and for storing your appreciation of my arm akimbo-ing alliterations)

In case you didn’t know.

What it takes:

  • 5 1/2 cups flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking soda
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 2 teaspoon ginger
  • 1 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1 1/2 teaspoon clove
  • 2 teaspoon nutmeg
  • 1 cup packed brown sugar
  • 3/4 cup vegetable oil
  • 1 1/2 cups molasses
  • 3/4 cup soy milk
  • 2 teaspoon vanilla

What you do next:

Using the sieve, sift the flour, the spices and the baking soda together in your bowl of medium build.

‘My mom says I’m not fat, I’m fluffy.’

In the large bowl, whisk the brown sugar with the veggie oil, molasses, milk and vanilla. Whisk them. Into shape. Shape it up. Get straight. Go forward. Move ahead. Try to detect it. It’s not too late. To whisk it. Whisk it good.

Devo is silently judging you. And they… are not impressed.

Slowly add the dry contents of the not so big bowl into the whisked-it-good wet contents of the large bowl.

Mix these until they’re well combined, making sure that any awkward clusters of flour that occasionally form when mixing things are popped and mixed homogeneously into the rest of the mix.

Then, insert the large bowl of dough into your trusty fridge to chill the mix for easy handling. Chill for about an hour. In the meantime… enjoy those fluid oz of whiskey at your own personal discretion (perhaps while YouTube-ing Devo videos).

Once your dough is nice and firm, there’s a few difference ways to portion it out for baking. You can scoop out tablespoon sized balls of dough, place them on the cookie sheet about an inch apart and then use your fingers or a glass to flatten them slightly. Or, you can roll out the dough to a thickness of about a quarter of an inch and then punch out cookies with your favorite cookie cutter.

Angry Cookie has a chip (HA!) on his shoulder, and will not hesitate to punch you out.

Slide the greased up, cookie covered cookie sheet into the hot and ready oven… slowly. Slowly…slower…. Yeah. That’s nice. That’s real nice.

Bake for about 8 minutes, depending on your oven.

Ovens, like people, are all different. Some are fast, some are slow, but most are more burnt out than one might originally think.

‘I’ve seen a lot of hurt in my day. I’ve seen men do things… Things no one should ever see.”

Remove from oven when done, and let them cool on the cookie sheet for about a minute. Then remove them from the sheet using a spatula and allow to finish cooling on a heat resistant surface or cookie rack. You can eat them warm… and it’s my personal preference to do so.

As I mentioned before, these cookies are designed to pair perfectly with some Irish Coffee. Typically, I dole out recipes one at a time. But, because I feel that I might offer you a version of Irish Coffee more improved and far superior to that which you are used… Below is my “But I’m a pastry chef!” version.

‘I’m a professional. Or so says this hat.’

Irish Coffee, The Better Kind

  • 1 1/2 ounces of Irish Whiskey
  • 1 1/2 tsp brown sugar
  • 8 oz hot coffee (preferably from a French Press)
  • 2 tablespoons of cold heavy cream

A cup. You need it. Those things above, you mix in it.

Now. Retire to the fireplace (In the event that your fireplace was the one provided in this evenings Google Image search, please relocate to another fireplace.) with at least 2 cookies. One for each hand. Or one for each side of your mouth to chew on. Or better still, one as a reward for each shot of whiskey you’ve had by this point.  Enjoy the Old Spice level of awesome that emits from your every pore… and forgive me if you can for the Devo on repeat in your head.

1954’s OG Snuggie. Because… what the fuck, 1954?


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One thought on “The ‘H’ in ‘Whisk’

  1. He he he he… What a wit. A wit with spit. And man can she make a simple cookie sound freakin incredible.

    Get a snuggie. One for the doggie too!

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